on: Friday, Nov. 09, 2001
@: 1:06 a.m.

wishful thinking

just been watching coyote ugly - one of my all time fave films and the inspiration for this layout... i know there are no pictures or whatever on this layout but the title "surrender your heart" is a lyric from the can't fight the moonlight song from the movie - one of my all time fave songs which i'm wondering why my cd player isn't playing at the mo as i thought it was set to repeat!

*goes and examines cd player*

comes back all happy coz even tho its one am shes got the single playing

hope my music is on quietly enough so Rach can't hear it as she'll complain tomorrow but hey never mind everyone else has made so much noise several times that i've not been able to sleep - including last night when i went to bed at 10.30 for an early night - wasn't asleep till gone 1! and yeah Rach hasn't made a lot of noise late at night but she has made one hell of a lot of noise several mornings and woken me up - including this wednesday!! so i don't mean to sound bitter and twisted or whatever but if it does wake her it will be payback!!

we had some fireworks tonight - each put £2 in - only some rockets but that was cool and we had a sparkler each too. i put a new 25 film in my camera and i think i've got 6 left!!

then even tho i knew that tonight it was soup which was punk and ska this week we went to LRV for a quick drink - brandy and coke (alcohol is s-l-o-w-l-y being resumed)

you know in my (kinda) earlier entry when i wrote about the idea i got from Vicky's diary? i realised when i was doing some of it that there are important things that happened to me - things that i was extremely upset about that i never wrote about here. i'm thinking of one specific thing in particular and yeah i wrote about it later in a way but at the time it was happening i never came out and said "ra ra ra ra... it was such and such today..." so yeah i am pleased that this diary is now a year old and i have this record as this is something that i've never had before and never managed before but also in a way i'm kinda sad because i know its not a complete and utter record of everything thats happened and some things that have had an important effect on me didn't get recorded...

yeah, i could write what this specific thing i'm thinking of now but that would defeat the object because all i'm gonna write is "so last february this happened and i didn't write about it so i'm writing that it happened now because i'm shocked i haven't written about it before" but i can't write about it now as the feelings and thoughts that were there at the time have gone and the incident has been specifically mentioned since then and indirectly referred to loads of times so yeah i don't know really but i thought i'd mention it! after all this is my diary...

coyote ugly was good and i still want to be a coyote but i also feel kinda down because i was thinking about how much i would love to work in a bar, but not only that about how even tho i love to dance i'd never be able to stand up and that bar and dance like that - i know months ago when i watched it with Rach i told her that it didn't matter i'd be the first coyote in a wheelchair and yeah i'd still like to do something like that and i hope that in a way i do already when we go out. that doesn't change the fact however that i've got cp and that i'm diplegic - i look at tracy and yeah shes got cp but shes hemiplegic and she can go dance and move her legs more and whatever... but then again she can't use one of her arms and i can use both of mine. i'm not saying that i'm jealous enough to want to be more like tracy (god forbid!) i think in a way hemiplegia might be worse because if your severely effected enough to need a chair then you've a problem coz u can't self-propel. but its not just the hemiplegia why i'm thinking that i don't really want to be like tracy...

this is all just wishful thinking and what better place for that then my diary?

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